Utterly alone

It's cool that you have a place to chill and forget about everything that stresses you out, but the thing is I don't have such a place.
I thought you were my safe place and you were, for a while. I'm not sure what changed.
Once you were my happy place
But now that it's clear that I'm not yours, I don't feel safe anymore. I don't even feel happy anymore.
I just am, I merely exist and all I want is to live the reality of my life, which by the way, is that I am utterly alone.
I thought you were what I always wanted, and I don't know what changed, but I want more, I want to stop feeling alone, stop worrying about pissing you off and for once, think about my self.
I'm so sick and tired of merely existing to please others.
I'm just so tired.

I can feel my life leaking out of my skin, I feel worthless and stupid. All I want to be is alone, in a bath that's filled with fog, I want to be in a state of ignorance
I feel ugly, fat and useless, I think I'm a waste of oxygen, I haven't felt so disgusting in a long time.
I don't even feel sad.
I feel disappointed and disappointing. I disappoint everything I touch.
I miss you so much by the way, and every fucking thing reminds me of you. 

I'm not safe, loved or happy.
I'm just utterly alone and it is fine.

Comments

  1. mashghiJuly 10, 2020 at 2:53 PM

    well, I don't think that it's my place to say anything, but you are one of the people with the most emotional endurance that i know. needless to say you are truly beautiful in every aspect that i can think of. so i hope things start to feel better soon.

    ReplyDelete
  2. UnknownJuly 15, 2020 at 9:52 AM

    Hello bae. I know I promised not to disturb you, but when I read your blog post I couldn't just help myself.
    First of all I want to say I miss you like crazy and there wasn't a single moment that I hadn't thought about you. I look at the ceiling and there's the lustr that we bought together. I look at the walls and I see your embroideries and postal cards and I've cried every single day. I remember you said that love comes from being distant from one another and I didn't understood your words until now. Lately I've been understanding some of the things you said before (Now that I'm feeling depression for a short amount of time, I can't imagine what must have you been through all these times.). I don't have a safe place now. It doesn't matter whom I'm with I feel like I don't belong (somehow not even in my own body) and that's not something I just learned I knew it all along. I don't know why I haven't told you that when you told me that I'm your safe place. Maybe I was too insecure about whether you love or not. Maybe I wasn't sure that you loved to spend time with me as much as I loved to spend time with you. And I'm sorry for that. Cause love is not a place for fear.
    This letter isn't about how much I miss you. It's about apologizing for a mistake I made and that was giving you an ultimatum for putting effort in our relationship. But before I can give you my sincere apology I need you to know my story better.

    About 4 years ago my father passed away. I didn't feel sad back then cause I'd lost him a long time ago. He abandoned me without a reason or a goodbye. And it all began years and years of feeling lonely, miserable and full of fear of losing loved ones. Feeling abnormal and not worthy of love.
    It had all began. It was like a second birth (you know? The birth of the scar that define you for the rest of your life). The boy whom everyone remembered as always happy and laughing for no reason turned to the boy who always cried every fucking time he was away from his family for even a second. (cause he thought his loved ones will abandon him)
    But then he forgot it all, he tried to run away from his loved ones. He hid the fear of abandonment behind being independent. He escaped from his loved ones, deep relationships and love itself. Cause he believed he is alone and accepted that. Therefore he felt miserable and alone.
    So when his father died, it all came back to him and he couldn't escape from it. He felt the hole in his heart, the need for love. He was eating two citaloprams a day and still felt shitty.

    But then someone came and miraculously healed his pain (obviously it was you). You were so fucking beautiful in appearance and personality that I felt stupid asking you out (you know the story, about me chickening out on the first date). That wasn't all I didn't fell for you just because of your extraordinary beautiful appearance. You made me a better person in every aspect (that would be another million words letter) .Everyone can be a good person like you, but to be through all you've been through your whole life and still manage to be this beautiful character, that's so precious. That's unique and beautiful.
    That pain or burden or should I say imperfection is the thing I love the most about you. Cause the real beauty is in imperfections. You had took your pain and turned it into something so precious. The person you are and that is just beautiful. I always adored you for that and I'm not sure I expressed that enough. (another thing that I'm sorry about)
    (part 1)

    ReplyDelete
  3. UnknownJuly 15, 2020 at 9:52 AM


    (part 2)
    So when you told me that you didn't love me in Farvardin it was so familiar to me. Like I knew that Shirin will eventually find out that I'm not worthy of her love. It was like a self-fulfilling prophecy. So when you told me that you didn't not love me and you had just lost your passion, I didn't believe it completely cause it was just like my old childhood pain (everyone you love will leave you cause you are not worthy of love). So in the following months there was this inner struggle in me to convince myself I'm not worthy of Shirin's love. I tried to turn everything you do into a sign that you don't love me. So instead of loving you and trusting you in your hard time i turned into a needy person. And I put extra pressure on you when you were struggling with depression.

    It's ok if you want to be alone but know that in your heart that you'll always have me and my love, and you have all the time you need for yourself to figure things out. No matter what.

    ReplyDelete

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