tw: self harm

there are times that I think about hurting myself, probably when I'm more depressed than anxious. when I do that, I'm actually glamorizing self-harm. I think about how beautiful the scars will be, and how freeing it would feel when the blood begins to pour. then I feel ashamed and guilty, don't be glamorizing self-harm you bitch! what is it about cutting that feels so... good?

there's actually some science behind it:

When it comes to sensing physical and emotional pain, our brains use the same two areas: the anterior insula, a small patch of neural real estate that’s part of the cerebral cortex behind each ear, and the anterior cingulate cortex, a hook-shaped piece of brain tissue towards the front of the brain. These are the areas in the brain that process pain, regardless of whether we’ve felt the sting of rejection or the sting of a bee.

Pain relievers also act on these two areas, regardless of whether someone is experiencing emotional or physical pain. A 2010 study in Psychological Science revealed that the pain relievers such as Tylenol or paracetamol (acetaminophen) helped to relieve the distress associated with social rejection and also decreased activity in the anterior insula and the anterior cingulate cortex. This doesn’t mean that Tylenol is the next Prozac, but it does show just how intertwined emotional and physical pain are in the brain.

in addition to that, hurting yourself is kind of addictive. when the scars begin to heal, you'll be sad, missing them, you keep thinking about making another little friend and you make another one and feel a rush and the cycle continues. Writing about this is not easy for me, I've been really ashamed of my scars (I have a bunch on my left hand and one on my leg)

but I think, in order for me to make peace with my imperfections I have to acknowledge them. I actually have three more scars right now, made in desperate desperate times. and I'm not sure how I should feel about them.



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