Defeat
I fucking hate being ill, this illness is like a never ending cycle of slow death. I get inflamed, i have to take immunosuppressants, i get an infection And that makes me inflamed again. Tonight I had to take a dose of hydrocortisone, again. For the 3rd time in the last 12 months. I have to do my Masterarbeit but I'm either in pain or procrastinating. At nights, trying to fall asleep i get a flashing image of slashing my wrists just to be done with it. Worse than being sick ish all the time, the bleeding and the pain and the skin problems and the chronic tiredness, is the feeling I have. I constantly feel like i am not allowed to feel sick. I feel ashamed of being tired, i feel like i don't deserve to live if I am not doing something with my life. I hate my self for being weak and dependent. Every time my BF asks how I am my stomach gets tight, should I lie or should I tell that I feel like slowly fading, exactly like the 11 months ago when he knew me, or 5 month ago, ...