Defeat

 I fucking hate being ill, this illness is like a never ending cycle of slow death. I get inflamed, i have to take immunosuppressants, i get an infection And that makes me inflamed again. 

Tonight I had to take a dose of hydrocortisone, again. For the 3rd time in the last 12 months. I have to do my Masterarbeit but I'm either in pain or procrastinating.

At nights, trying to fall asleep i get a flashing image of slashing my wrists just to be done with it. 

Worse than being sick ish all the time, the bleeding and the pain and the skin problems and the chronic tiredness, is the feeling I have. I constantly feel like i am not allowed to feel sick. I feel ashamed of being tired, i feel like i don't deserve to live if I am not doing something with my life. I hate my self for being weak and dependent. Every time my BF asks how I am my stomach gets tight, should I lie or should I tell that I feel like slowly fading, exactly like the 11 months ago when he knew me, or 5 month ago, or 2 weeks ago or just yesterday.

I am ashamed of my flatmates, i feel like they must hate having a flatmate who's always home. Who goes to the bathroom a lot and uses a lot of electricity. 

I feel defeated, like my body and mind are working in harmony to fuck me up. Weirdly enough, I wish I was sick enough to go to the hospital, or get on this new better medication. I think I'm gonna lie to my dr about bleeding again, I feel like he's sick of me too. 

I feel defeated, and I'm even ashamed to tell my therapist about it.

Comments

  1. سرزمینِ هرزMarch 14, 2024 at 2:17 PM

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  2. سرزمینِ هرزMarch 14, 2024 at 2:19 PM

    Came across your blog after more than two years when my partner was accidentally suggested to befriend you on Facebook. I am utterly shocked by what you went through after we broke up (if it was a year ago though, I might have been happy to know it had not been easy for you). I know I wasn't the best partner (and neither were you), and you saw me as an abusive boyfriend (as I sometimes thought you were immature and toxic), but I sincerely hope you are fine, safe, and happy. As you can see, I am not writing in Persian after all!

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