Within Emptiness

 At what point do you realize that you are the toxic one and you need to fuck off?  I'm not sure what this is, a side effect of my new pills? My stupid hormones? Just the world as it is? I feel shitty, I am beginning to hate myself, it's been a downward spiral since I quit my job. I feel empty, I don't even want to eat or take showers, I just wanna lay down and let the whole world pass me by. If I died, I wouldn't mind it. The other day my psychiatrist asked me if I had suicidal tendencies, I said I didn't and I really didn't then, I should've added ask me again in a week doc!  Ugh  To exist, a pain in the ass I'm starting to think that maybe, I am the problem. I'm the reason why every friendship I had turned to shit, why I am never happy and nobody loves me the way I am. People love the idea of others.  And I, being the loser that I am tend to keep these ideas afloat. So you need a manic pixie girl? I'll be that. You need an intellectual sexy li...

 I know I have the privilege of being kinda thin and pretty and therefore being likable to most. but I have always felt like a misfit. I was never really a part of any family, apart from my real shitty one (minus my sister, she's a real angel), I've had friends and boyfriends, and I've been in their little circle of friends and for moments thought I belonged. but not for long. Those relationships fell apart. I grew apart from my friends and continued to seek this sense of belonging.  I have abandonment issues, and I have depression and anxiety. I get anxious and weird around people and it's hard for me to face criticism and rejection. I can't base my self-worth on myself and the faith that I am supposed to have in myself. I can keep a good appearance, most of the time but it's a fragile facade that can be SHATTERED in seconds.  Rejection to me (and a lot of other depressed and anxious people) is not a simple inconvenience or a mishap, it is a shiny bright sign t...