Not part of any family

 I know I have the privilege of being kinda thin and pretty and therefore being likable to most. but I have always felt like a misfit. I was never really a part of any family, apart from my real shitty one (minus my sister, she's a real angel), I've had friends and boyfriends, and I've been in their little circle of friends and for moments thought I belonged. but not for long. Those relationships fell apart. I grew apart from my friends and continued to seek this sense of belonging. 

I have abandonment issues, and I have depression and anxiety. I get anxious and weird around people and it's hard for me to face criticism and rejection. I can't base my self-worth on myself and the faith that I am supposed to have in myself.

I can keep a good appearance, most of the time but it's a fragile facade that can be SHATTERED in seconds. 

Rejection to me (and a lot of other depressed and anxious people) is not a simple inconvenience or a mishap, it is a shiny bright sign that I "suck" "I didn't deserve this in the first place and the world can see me now" it's like the reoccurring dream that you show up to school and you realize you're naked.

And it all kinda goes back to not belonging anywhere, not having a safety net to fall back on, and never feeling enough.

When you keep looking for proof that you don't deserve shit and are worthless, you keep finding them. It's a self-fulfilling prophecy. 

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