When

 At what point do you realize that you are the toxic one and you need to fuck off? 

I'm not sure what this is, a side effect of my new pills? My stupid hormones? Just the world as it is?

I feel shitty, I am beginning to hate myself, it's been a downward spiral since I quit my job. I feel empty, I don't even want to eat or take showers, I just wanna lay down and let the whole world pass me by. If I died, I wouldn't mind it. The other day my psychiatrist asked me if I had suicidal tendencies, I said I didn't and I really didn't then, I should've added ask me again in a week doc! 

Ugh 

To exist, a pain in the ass

I'm starting to think that maybe, I am the problem. I'm the reason why every friendship I had turned to shit, why I am never happy and nobody loves me the way I am. People love the idea of others.  And I, being the loser that I am tend to keep these ideas afloat. So you need a manic pixie girl? I'll be that. You need an intellectual sexy librarian? Sure, I can do that. 

And when you keep changing yourself to appeal to others, you'll forget who you really are. And that's when you'll really start to go nuts. And hey doc, I'm suicidal now, time to check that box! 

Wow saying these words out loud, I sound really depressed, don't I? 

Btw, I don't need your help, in fact, I don't want it. This will pass. And I will probably survive. Hurray

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

secure

For a short while, from about the six-month mark of moving in to the house number 17 I started feeling at home. I have officially moved out now, I thought I'd feel lost and lonely but I am okay. sad but okay. The good thing about the old flat was that I was safe, I never dreaded coming home. Never had to brace myself before turning the key in the door. I learned to not be scared of the sound of opening the door in that place. Even under stress, when we had to clean the whole flat in 48 hours we were not mean to each other, we didn't forget to say thank you and please, and to laugh when we were being silly. And we are in no way calm or non-anxious people. We just respect each other enough to make an effort. Before moving to the flat number 17, I didn't think I could be friends with german people, like the kind of friends who you share your deepest thoughts with, get drunk and roam around the city at midnight, the kind that knows you have a complicated relationship with your ...
Read more

Defeat

 I fucking hate being ill, this illness is like a never ending cycle of slow death. I get inflamed, i have to take immunosuppressants, i get an infection And that makes me inflamed again.  Tonight I had to take a dose of hydrocortisone, again. For the 3rd time in the last 12 months. I have to do my Masterarbeit but I'm either in pain or procrastinating. At nights, trying to fall asleep i get a flashing image of slashing my wrists just to be done with it.  Worse than being sick ish all the time, the bleeding and the pain and the skin problems and the chronic tiredness, is the feeling I have. I constantly feel like i am not allowed to feel sick. I feel ashamed of being tired, i feel like i don't deserve to live if I am not doing something with my life. I hate my self for being weak and dependent. Every time my BF asks how I am my stomach gets tight, should I lie or should I tell that I feel like slowly fading, exactly like the 11 months ago when he knew me, or 5 month ago, ...
Read more

vanish

I've been on this fucking medicine that's destroying my hair, my liver, my stomach and my immune system for 3 months now. Today I am bleeding again. Seeing blood in the toilet fills me with this all hatred and shame towards myself and I don't know what to do. Is it my fault that I am feeling like this? probably not. Is it my responsibility to regulate my feelings and get back to life? yes but it  just  really  really  sucks  and  nobody  get  it I want to be able to eat a pomegranate and not bleed afterwards Ive stopped smoking and drinking, but what is the point if im still gonna feel like shit 95 percent of the time? If im not in pain im so tired i cant not fall asleep. if im awake im thinking of going back to sleep. and im just so fucking ashamed of existing like this my sister has a job, is getting interviews left and right and im just here i have no talent, no purpose, no plans. soon no place to live and no income Im a burden to my family and...
Read more