Tamara in a green Bugatti

I bought this postcard for you when you had covid and wrote: "get well soon" on the back. We were fighting -as usual- and I wanted us to be good again. I brought you food and medication but forgot to bring the card. Later, when your quarantine was ending, you were a massive dick to me -as usual- and we broke up, no sorry, I broke us up, and I never gave you the card. Now I have the card with me. It's a gorgeous painting. I thought it would remind you of me. It's a portrait of a green/blue-eyed woman with a scarf in a car. I kept it cause it was beautiful, and you didn't deserve it. 

Now that I think about it, you would have hated it, with the English writing on the back. You were always mad that I didn't write beautiful stuff for you and that I used English words.

I used to feel stupid to have endured your abuse for almost a year. Thankfully I stopped doing that. I have accepted that I'm human and I make mistakes. I've finally come to terms that we were toxic, and I loved you too much to end it sooner. Now you're getting married (lol), and I'm moving to Germany.

To be honest, I haven't been doing great since you. You see, your abuse ruined me. The anger and hurt I felt were unimaginable. I used to listen to Taylor Swift and cry in my car not that long ago. This particular verse stuck with me. 

"Just between us, did the love affair maim you, too?"

But then it got better. I fast-tracked a friendship with someone last week. I went to their home, we drank, talked, fucked, and I cried (not because of the fucking, I'm super depressed). Then we fell asleep, got up, had breakfast, and I drove across the town back to my house. But even though we weren't in a relationship, they took care of me, were super friendly to me, and did their best to make me feel easy and unashamed, and I was surprised, like shaken but in a good way. They made me feel like I was fixable. Like I would heal and forget about you. I think the worst thing our relationship did to me was to take the ability to trust people away from me. And befriending this person gave that back to me. I no longer cry in my car while listening to Taylor Swift, and I'm going to get a tattoo of Tamara in the green Bugatti on my arm.