There's something freeing about sleeping naked, I was never really able to do it even when I lived alone. I thought it was a great sin. My brain couldn't relax with the thought of being naked. Not that I was scared of being seen. That wasn't the only part. I was scared of my own naked form. The way my shoulders slouch, my stomach sticks out, the hairs and the scar on my butt. The shape of my pubic bone and the slightly darkened skin. My hip dips and my lack of a thigh gap. And it wasn't just fear of not being perfect. There was an innate shame enmeshed into possessing a body with a vulva and breasts and hair.

When I hit puberty I started getting freaked out about my body. I thought I had the ugliest body there is. By 14 I had completely given up on ever finding love or having sex. And the worst part was I thought it was my fault. My bits look like this because I masturbate! That's probably why I'm still so uncomfortable with sex. But that's a story for another time.

 I always thought aren't people scared to die in their sleep while naked? For example when there's an earthquake. That would be SO embarrassing! And I like to stop for a minute and remind myself how absurd that is. Why should I care how I'm seen when I'm dead? If there is one thing that frees one from it's flesh and bone vessel, that's death! 

When I moved to Germany things changed. I think being surrounded by people who see their body as a thing to live in rather than a sight to be seen affected me. (Not saying every German is like this, I'm surrounded by working class northern German leftists). I also started trusting my flatmates won't barge in to my room to see me naked, and frankly I wouldn't mind if they did (see me naked). 

I find it hard to love my body. It's not a good one. It constantly malfunctions. It doesn't let me do the things I like and it's rarely painfree.

But I think that's also okay, you don't have to love your body to be a good person or a feminist.

I am now sort of okay with the way my body looks, sometimes I want to change things, sometimes I think I'm the baddest bitch ever.

And now I sleep comfortably naked, as being asleep is the closest thing to death and therefore being free of having skin and meat.

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