Long disorganized rant(s)

Every month i have like a 5-7 day period of pure agony. It is kind of inspiring that i survive it and continue to try to live better. Every month I genuinely feel like it would be so much easier for me to die. I started taking birth control pills but i had a bad reaction to it and I stopped. 24 euros down the drain and 20 more years of painful periods in my future.

My flatmate's giving up the flat to live with his gf. My first reaction was to cry for an hour and since i didn't want him to see me cry I went to the Müller and cried while looking at craft supplies. I am happy that he's in love and taking the next step with his beautiful girlfriend. I just wish it didn't make me feel like garbage.
I feel like i have no place in this society and there is no way for me to survive alone. 
I even thought about moving back to Iran 
Then israel started bombing tehran and Iranian men on twitter were disgusting about women wearing bikinis and i changed my mind. Better to be unloved and alone in Europe than loved in Tehran.

Tuesday night i went on a second date with this tall cute guy, he cooked me a meal and we watched poor things and made out for half an hour afterwards. It was very intense. Although I never see myself falling in love with a german man (i do see myself loving a german woman) i was very much infatuated with this guy. He is funny, chill and is not completely enchanted/intimidated by me and i guess i like it when they are not instantly in love.
I feel like a German man is also not going to love me. Or at least we're not gonna love one another at the same time. I am weird and chaotic and too sick for these people. Add that to being a foreigner and boom loneliness forever or like they're gonna sleep with me but will never commit to me. I'm not sure if i want commitment tho, as soon as someone starts to like me and want to settle with me i stop liking them.

Any ways, i liked this guy so much that i even forgave the stupid face he made while kissing me. 
And he had soft lips and smelt really good. We didn't have sex cause I was trying to practice some self control and he was very respectful of my boundaries which is also very hot. 

All i have is moments of happiness and connection, pretty much everything else is pain and discomfort 

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

secure

For a short while, from about the six-month mark of moving in to the house number 17 I started feeling at home. I have officially moved out now, I thought I'd feel lost and lonely but I am okay. sad but okay. The good thing about the old flat was that I was safe, I never dreaded coming home. Never had to brace myself before turning the key in the door. I learned to not be scared of the sound of opening the door in that place. Even under stress, when we had to clean the whole flat in 48 hours we were not mean to each other, we didn't forget to say thank you and please, and to laugh when we were being silly. And we are in no way calm or non-anxious people. We just respect each other enough to make an effort. Before moving to the flat number 17, I didn't think I could be friends with german people, like the kind of friends who you share your deepest thoughts with, get drunk and roam around the city at midnight, the kind that knows you have a complicated relationship with your ...
Read more

Defeat

 I fucking hate being ill, this illness is like a never ending cycle of slow death. I get inflamed, i have to take immunosuppressants, i get an infection And that makes me inflamed again.  Tonight I had to take a dose of hydrocortisone, again. For the 3rd time in the last 12 months. I have to do my Masterarbeit but I'm either in pain or procrastinating. At nights, trying to fall asleep i get a flashing image of slashing my wrists just to be done with it.  Worse than being sick ish all the time, the bleeding and the pain and the skin problems and the chronic tiredness, is the feeling I have. I constantly feel like i am not allowed to feel sick. I feel ashamed of being tired, i feel like i don't deserve to live if I am not doing something with my life. I hate my self for being weak and dependent. Every time my BF asks how I am my stomach gets tight, should I lie or should I tell that I feel like slowly fading, exactly like the 11 months ago when he knew me, or 5 month ago, ...
Read more

vanish

I've been on this fucking medicine that's destroying my hair, my liver, my stomach and my immune system for 3 months now. Today I am bleeding again. Seeing blood in the toilet fills me with this all hatred and shame towards myself and I don't know what to do. Is it my fault that I am feeling like this? probably not. Is it my responsibility to regulate my feelings and get back to life? yes but it  just  really  really  sucks  and  nobody  get  it I want to be able to eat a pomegranate and not bleed afterwards Ive stopped smoking and drinking, but what is the point if im still gonna feel like shit 95 percent of the time? If im not in pain im so tired i cant not fall asleep. if im awake im thinking of going back to sleep. and im just so fucking ashamed of existing like this my sister has a job, is getting interviews left and right and im just here i have no talent, no purpose, no plans. soon no place to live and no income Im a burden to my family and...
Read more