Within Emptiness

 I fucking hate being ill, this illness is like a never ending cycle of slow death. I get inflamed, i have to take immunosuppressants, i get an infection And that makes me inflamed again.  Tonight I had to take a dose of hydrocortisone, again. For the 3rd time in the last 12 months. I have to do my Masterarbeit but I'm either in pain or procrastinating. At nights, trying to fall asleep i get a flashing image of slashing my wrists just to be done with it.  Worse than being sick ish all the time, the bleeding and the pain and the skin problems and the chronic tiredness, is the feeling I have. I constantly feel like i am not allowed to feel sick. I feel ashamed of being tired, i feel like i don't deserve to live if I am not doing something with my life. I hate my self for being weak and dependent. Every time my BF asks how I am my stomach gets tight, should I lie or should I tell that I feel like slowly fading, exactly like the 11 months ago when he knew me, or 5 month ago, ...

 There's something freeing about sleeping naked, I was never really able to do it even when I lived alone. I thought it was a great sin. My brain couldn't relax with the thought of being naked. Not that I was scared of being seen. That wasn't the only part. I was scared of my own naked form. The way my shoulders slouch, my stomach sticks out, the hairs and the scar on my butt. The shape of my pubic bone and the slightly darkened skin. My hip dips and my lack of a thigh gap. And it wasn't just fear of not being perfect. There was an innate shame enmeshed into possessing a body with a vulva and breasts and hair. When I hit puberty I started getting freaked out about my body. I thought I had the ugliest body there is. By 14 I had completely given up on ever finding love or having sex. And the worst part was I thought it was my fault. My bits look like this because I masturbate! That's probably why I'm still so uncomfortable with sex. But that's a story for anot...

A lot has happened since I last posted here. I moved out of the house with shitty housemates and moved into another place with shitty housemates. I got covid and the flu and my UC got so bad I had to take new drugs. And I probably had one of the worst depression episodes of my adulthood. I don't know if you can call it an episode if it lasted like 10 days. but man was I fighting for life. Covid, as you know, is pretty bad, as an immigrant who just moved to a new country and a new apartment it's worse. But I told people when I had covid and they brought me food and bought me groceries. Someone was a dick to me and told me I was gonna make everybody else sick by not being careful. *I was only using the fucking kitchen at midnight and I always wore masks. Always. So the next time I got the flu, I didn't tell people. I think I stayed in my room for a week. And I only ate untoasted bread with honey and bananas. And the flu was worse than covid, I had a high fever for 3 days and ...

With every passing day I realize that I might be able to do it after all. I never thought I could get over my ex and I did it. thinking about moving to another country pushed me to the edge of a nervous breakdown and I did that too. Now every minor detail of everything I need to do stresses me the fuck out. But I kind of think I’ll be able to do them too. Ill be able to find my place in this new weird country. I’ll fall in love again. I might even orgasm :))  And it’s kind of okay If I don’t do any of these things, I forgive myself for my possible future failures. 

I bought this postcard for you when you had covid and wrote: "get well soon" on the back. We were fighting -as usual- and I wanted us to be good again. I brought you food and medication but forgot to bring the card. Later, when your quarantine was ending, you were a massive dick to me -as usual- and we broke up, no sorry, I broke us up, and I never gave you the card. Now I have the card with me. It's a gorgeous painting. I thought it would remind you of me. It's a portrait of a green/blue-eyed woman with a scarf in a car. I kept it cause it was beautiful, and you didn't deserve it.  Now that I think about it, you would have hated it, with the English writing on the back. You were always mad that I didn't write beautiful stuff for you and that I used English words. I used to feel stupid to have endured your abuse for almost a year. Thankfully I stopped doing that. I have accepted that I'm human and I make mistakes. I've finally come to terms that we wer...

As I wait for my face cream to dry up so I can put my mask back on, I realize how lonely I feel. There is absolutely no one I want to talk to or who wants to talk to me. I haven't felt this lonely in ages. I have friends and loved ones. But I keep thinking that they're just sick of me, telling the same old jokes, getting sad over the same old things, being the same old me: boring, unoriginal, depressed and anxious. I haven't really understood how depressed I was until recently. It was the lexi episode in euphoria and as zendaya was talking about how she was looking at her life from above I felt that. And found out that it wasn't healthy? I used to make up stories in my head. I thought of myself in third person. I had this image of a life that wasn't mine but I kind of wanted to live it. It wasn't a happy story, I was always the passive, victimized damsel in distress kind of protagonist. And I don't think I made up happy endings or any kind of endings for it....

 I will probably never get over you and move on. like all the others. you will be a spot on my soul. It's not the way you couldn't understand me or have the slightest bit of empathy for me, it's the way I convinced myself that it was okay, it was okay to have sex against my will, just because you would be insecure and mad if I didn't. It was okay to be always anxious around you, to question my every move and walk on eggshells to avoid pissing you off. It's the way I gaslit myself into thinking this wasn't abusive and fucked up to begin with. And honestly it's the way your asshole friends act. Imagine being abused and isolated because you got out of the abusive situation. And it's the way I can't get over you. I had the worst time when I was with you, my ibd flared up and my depression got so much worse. But I... Miss you? I think about the good times we had. it was never entirely fun, but I felt love for you and that pisses me off It's the way yo...