Within Emptiness

As I wait for my face cream to dry up so I can put my mask back on, I realize how lonely I feel. There is absolutely no one I want to talk to or who wants to talk to me. I haven't felt this lonely in ages. I have friends and loved ones. But I keep thinking that they're just sick of me, telling the same old jokes, getting sad over the same old things, being the same old me: boring, unoriginal, depressed and anxious. I haven't really understood how depressed I was until recently. It was the lexi episode in euphoria and as zendaya was talking about how she was looking at her life from above I felt that. And found out that it wasn't healthy? I used to make up stories in my head. I thought of myself in third person. I had this image of a life that wasn't mine but I kind of wanted to live it. It wasn't a happy story, I was always the passive, victimized damsel in distress kind of protagonist. And I don't think I made up happy endings or any kind of endings for it....

 I will probably never get over you and move on. like all the others. you will be a spot on my soul. It's not the way you couldn't understand me or have the slightest bit of empathy for me, it's the way I convinced myself that it was okay, it was okay to have sex against my will, just because you would be insecure and mad if I didn't. It was okay to be always anxious around you, to question my every move and walk on eggshells to avoid pissing you off. It's the way I gaslit myself into thinking this wasn't abusive and fucked up to begin with. And honestly it's the way your asshole friends act. Imagine being abused and isolated because you got out of the abusive situation. And it's the way I can't get over you. I had the worst time when I was with you, my ibd flared up and my depression got so much worse. But I... Miss you? I think about the good times we had. it was never entirely fun, but I felt love for you and that pisses me off It's the way yo...

 At what point do you realize that you are the toxic one and you need to fuck off?  I'm not sure what this is, a side effect of my new pills? My stupid hormones? Just the world as it is? I feel shitty, I am beginning to hate myself, it's been a downward spiral since I quit my job. I feel empty, I don't even want to eat or take showers, I just wanna lay down and let the whole world pass me by. If I died, I wouldn't mind it. The other day my psychiatrist asked me if I had suicidal tendencies, I said I didn't and I really didn't then, I should've added ask me again in a week doc!  Ugh  To exist, a pain in the ass I'm starting to think that maybe, I am the problem. I'm the reason why every friendship I had turned to shit, why I am never happy and nobody loves me the way I am. People love the idea of others.  And I, being the loser that I am tend to keep these ideas afloat. So you need a manic pixie girl? I'll be that. You need an intellectual sexy li...

 I know I have the privilege of being kinda thin and pretty and therefore being likable to most. but I have always felt like a misfit. I was never really a part of any family, apart from my real shitty one (minus my sister, she's a real angel), I've had friends and boyfriends, and I've been in their little circle of friends and for moments thought I belonged. but not for long. Those relationships fell apart. I grew apart from my friends and continued to seek this sense of belonging.  I have abandonment issues, and I have depression and anxiety. I get anxious and weird around people and it's hard for me to face criticism and rejection. I can't base my self-worth on myself and the faith that I am supposed to have in myself. I can keep a good appearance, most of the time but it's a fragile facade that can be SHATTERED in seconds.  Rejection to me (and a lot of other depressed and anxious people) is not a simple inconvenience or a mishap, it is a shiny bright sign t...

درزندگی ما آدمایی که نوجوونی فکر می‌کردیم آدمای خاصی هستیم و می‌دیدیم که بدون اینکه درس بخونیم نمره‌های خوب میاریم و همش این وایبو از اطرافیانمون می‌گرفتیم که باهوشیم یا حداقل خرخون‌های پنهانکاری هستیم ولی ته دلمون می‌دونستیم که هیچی درس نخوندیم و موفقیتمون فقط از باهوش بودنمون نشات می‌گیره مفهوم شکست و تلاش کاملا متفاوت صورتبندی شده. یعنی انقدری در زندگیمون برای هیچ چیزی تلاش آنچنانی نکردیم که ته دلمون فکر می‌کنیم همه چی، every fucking thing ممکنه، اگر به اندازه کافی تلاش کنیم.چون مساله رو این شکلی میبینیم که خب الان بدون اینکه تلاش کنم انقدر موفقم، اگه تلاش کنم که سوپرمن می‌شم. درحالی که اوپس، ماها نه معنی شکست خوردنو می‌دونیم و نه تلاش کردنو بلدیم. و خب یه چیزایی هستن که هرچقدرم براشون تلاش کنی، ممکن نیستند.این آدما، یعنی ذهنیتشون معمولا پس از ورود به دانشگاه دچار خلل میشه. چون دانشگاه پره از آدمایی که تلاش کردن و میکنن و دیگه تلاشنکردن نتیجه نمیده. و خود دانشگاهم هیچ گه خاصی نیست، حداقل برای من نبود. منم آدم دانشگاه نبودم، که اینم دیر فهمیدم. کل نوجوونیم فکر میکردم دانشگاه جاییه که...

there are times that I think about hurting myself, probably when I'm more depressed than anxious. when I do that, I'm actually glamorizing self-harm. I think about how beautiful the scars will be, and how freeing it would feel when the blood begins to pour. then I feel ashamed and guilty, don't be glamorizing self-harm you bitch! what is it about cutting that feels so... good? there's actually some science behind it: When it comes to sensing physical and emotional pain, our brains use the same two areas: the anterior insula, a small patch of neural real estate that’s part of the cerebral cortex behind each ear, and the anterior cingulate cortex, a hook-shaped piece of brain tissue towards the front of the brain. These are the areas in the brain that process pain, regardless of whether we’ve felt the sting of rejection or the sting of a bee. Pain relievers also act on these two areas, regardless of whether someone is experiencing emotional or physical pain. A 2010 study ...

Naked, I stand in front of the mirror, I try to look at my stomach that is not flat anymore and my breasts that are the biggest they've ever been, my neck that is reddish because of something I'm not sure of, I look at the new stretch marks I've gained, through getting fat. None of my fucking pants fit anymore and in this moment, I feel that's okay.  I like my upper body, I've always had. I like my skinny shoulders and my tall and pale neck.  There is something empowering about being naked. Like I don't have to cover up my secrets anymore, I can look at myself and feel that I am human, I am a sexual being, and my skin does a perfect job of covering my flesh and bones. For so long I have been ashamed of being human, I have thought that my worth was chained to my niceness or perfectness, I have thought that I alone, have to be held at a higher standard in order to deserve being happy. It's been so hard being nice to myself. Believing that I matter, just becaus...